I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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