Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
that is very illegal...i love you.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
