cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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