the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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