I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
