I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
