just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
