I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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