Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
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She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
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He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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