I smell stomach acid.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
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That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
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All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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