I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Say something about gay babies.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
