If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
