I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
