P.S. I can't hear my feet
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
