Pants 0. Shit 1.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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