was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
