During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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