then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
