one two three fourrrrnication!
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
