The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
