i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
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fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
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He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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