is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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