Jerry, you need to find god
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
