Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
