So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
