I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
