I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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