the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
