So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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