There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
