I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
