my shit smells like andre
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
