I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Dicks are not precious.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
