why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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