i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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