Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
