my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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