Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
