I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
