do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
no you cant smoke seaweed
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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