There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Randomize
