I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
