It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize