is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You may now shotgun with the bride
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
