i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
