Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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