It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
