i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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