I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
