He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
