Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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