If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
