I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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