I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just took my morning after pill in the library
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
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as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
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that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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