i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
