onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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