Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
