i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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