okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
